The girl in 261

13 November 2009

I sat next to an artist today. Late for class, I slipped in the back and into an empty seat. Dr. I. was explaining the implications of Apple’s new (imaginary) invisible i-phone on the current markets as I pulled out my notebook. The girl next to me was already scribbling away in hers—in long broad strokes of pen on heavy paper. I watched, enthralled, as the lines bent and converged into a girl in a trendy polka-dot dress, coat thrown over her arm, hair flouncing as she walked.

Inside, I longed to make my pencil strokes come alive like these. In fascination I watched her fill the page spread with doodles of dancing models in chiffon dresses, silk pants suits, taffeta party dresses.

I was sad when she closed her sketch book and tucked it into her pink backpack. She was unassuming, even plain, and no one would particularly notice her walking across campus. But I knew there were dancing pictures hidden in her grubby bag, and in her stubby fingers, nails cut down to the quick, there was real magic.

1st grade

12 November 2009

Ms. Ord walked around the room checking her student's work,

"You guys are such good sentence writers. When you get to high school, your teachers will be so proud of all your good sentences!"

"I don't want to go to high school." someone piped up.

Apparently, there were very strong feelings on this subject as everyone had something to say,

"I don't want to go to high school either!"

"I don't want to leave Ms. Ord's class!"

"I want to get baptized!"

"My cousin never left kindergarten!"

Ah, to be in 1st grade again. Those kids are in for a treat-- it only gets better from there!

Lunch date

22 October 2009

I invited myself over for lunch because I had to return Grams' camping things, and because I had missed cousin dinner, and because I love lunch dates.

In college I eat out of tupperware, generally, and sometimes strait out of the can. Grams severs milk out of a glass pitcher, and she had set the little deal table with beautiful green place settings and silverware that matched.

I offered to bring a bell pepper- the only fresh food I could find. Grams chopped it up and served it with her homemade bean and ham soup, homemade bread, homecanned bread-and-butter pickles from the neighbors, grapes from her back yard and cookies one of the grandkids had brought by.

And she wouldn't even let me do my dishes afterward, but insisted rather than I come outside to enjoy the beautiful sunshine and her freshly planted daisies.

I can't wait to be grownup like Grams.

The ovid-mcfarlane test

08 November 2008

Part I

Please take out your copybooks. On my mark, you will be given ten (10) minutes to unscramble the following words. There may be more than one correct answer for some words. Please try to find at least one correct answer for each scrambled word.

After the ten (10) minutes, please answer the questions in Part II.

Go.



1.rapiuoh

2.iieergfl

3.hiacd

4.naalct

5.iinnarcad

6.ynnfet

7.ttyoban

8.taeynsrc

Stop.


Part II

What is your age?
What is your gender?
What level of education have you attained?

How many questions in Part I did you answer?

How many questions in Part I do you think you answered correctly?

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being hardly and 10 being very, how would you rate the difficulty of the above exercise?

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being poorest and 10 being excellentest, how would you rate your performance on the above exercise?

Do you consider yourself a narcissist?… Ok, they don’t ask this question. But they ask a whole stream of questions to see if you are, i.e. On a scale of 1-10, how cool are you?

Stop writing now.

Please hand in your copybooks to your teacher, or head of class.

Your answer sheets will be tabulated and then destroyed.
There are minimal risks associated with this study.

...wanna know the answers?

stay tuned.

I'm just messing with you.
I am a psych major.

Answers

(The following is intended for human test subjects who have completed The Ovid-Mcfarlane test and who have sent their results to The Committee for the Study and Repression of Narcissistic Tendencies to be tabulated)

The Ovid-Mcfarlane test is a measure of the reaction of narcissists to an impossible task.

If you scored negative for narcissism (see final question of Part II), you're results are unimportant to us and will be ignored.

If you scored positively for narcissism, then you were probably frustrated with the questions in Part I, and most likely thought you did really well, considering.

You didn't do well, because you can't.

For anyone who is interested, only three of the scrambled sets of letters unscramble to actual words: 2, 5, 8.

This is a test. This is only a test. In case of an actual study this would be followed and proceeded by a tome of legal release and disclosure forms.

Thank you for your participation,

The Committee for the Study and Repression of Narcissistic Tendencies.

Teacher evaluation

17 October 2008

Explain this course in fifteen words or less:

Reading load is heavy,
like your accent: monotone.
But heaviest of all are
my eyelids.

The trouble with eating in class

26 March 2008

Billy Collins is a lean and tender
T-bone steak, best served rare
with a side salad and something light;
perhaps a sweet Cabernet Franc.

It should not be served with inordinate
amounts of BestWest Steak Sauce,
as if a bottle of that
could sharpen the wit of him.

Principles of Biology has left
a dry aftertaste, and I sit down
salivating for a succulent cut
of the real meat.

Unfortunately, my teacher cooks
experimentally,
and with Sunflower hot-mitts she serves
to us Lecture 29:

Poetry Meatloaf. Which is not
fresh or moist or seasoned right.
But I am hungry. And she doesn’t seem
to have anything else on hand.

Shakespeare in bite-size bits and
Collins ground in with Nash
and something green that doesn’t
seem to belong to anyone

all garnished with slivered Poe
and a slimy ketchup marinara.
It slices neatly and leaves no crumbs
and everyone tucks in quietly.

Except my vegan study partner
who sips her Algebra noisily.
I choke a bit and try
To swallow gallantly.

Meatloaf is barbaric.