Coming to terms with another birthday

21 January 2012

My presence is leaning awkwardly through the doorway,
One hand reaching back, clinging to the doorframe
that is yesterday and childhood.
The other hand holds the doorknob- flung open:
This is coming of age.

My presence leans awkwardly through the doorway.
One had reaches back, clinging to the doorframe.
The other hand holds the door--
knob unlocked- flung open wide:
This is coming of age.

I am present, leaning awkwardly through the doorway.
One hand reached back to catch the light.
The other hand has flung open the door,
Wide.

This is coming of age.

Sharing

11 November 2011

Did you see my hands shaking?

I wasn't ready to see you yet. You only told me goodbye a couple of weeks ago-- and I hadn't yet stopped chasing the tail of your words around my mind.

But there you were. In that grey jacket you sometimes wear.

"We're matching," I didn't say.

The autumn sun looked good on you.

"Hi!" Too cheerful, I know.

But you were kind-- are kind. Thank you for smiling and for reminding me how we tried to get our picture in the paper.

"And you? How are things with you?"

I tried (a valiant effort, I think) to smile-- effortlessly.

Be real.

Be natural.

... I babbled.

"So, you mean it's a little stressful?"

You know too well what my smile means.

But it's okay, I know what your smiles mean too.

"Good luck with everything," I said.

"Have a nice life," you didn't say.

The sunshine looked thin on that dark spot that had been your shadow a moment ago. And my hands were shaking. I don't know why. I hadn't even really thought of you for a whole day.

Golden

03 February 2011

The blinking cursor chimed in my empty text box: You are out of practice.

After a year and a half of writing notes in Spanish (Por favor! venga a la iglesia! Lea sus escrituras! No se olvide sus oraciones!) I'm back. Sort of. It's like starting first grade over again, with not enough words to say all the big feelings inside, and not enough patience to wait for the right ones, and--now, finally--not enough pride to care.

Because it's fall outside and I can't help but write about the walk through that lovely overhang of sunshine seeping from the branches of the golden trees. They lean over, heavy with the weight of leaves, painted in autumn glow, beaming beneath the clouds in golden, fall glory.

I just had to stop for a moment and enjoy: face upturned, arms thrown wide!

Fall is here!

was.

Yesterday morning I woke up to frost.

Biography

22 February 2010

Mama

and daddy

taught me reading,

and also my writing

when I was still little--

too little to be much good.

They didn't mind, but it took me

a couple of years to really like writing.

But reading I loved and adored and poured over

every book with beautiful pictures or (more particularly) beautiful poetry

which filled me up with such sing-song joy, it spilled over

and out my own pencil, between the blue lines of three-hole-punched paper.

And I discovered a new love for the scratch of my own thoughts

on the rough of cheap paper, the taste of my pencil between my teeth

as I carefully sampled the sounds to discover a one that could Mean more perfectly.

Luscious-- that is what language became. I pruned and weeded and watered and fertilized with metaphors.

Sometimes I mourned to waste such care on describing the transfer of valence electrons in ionic bonds,

but afterward, in the evenings, I filled up notebooks with my thoughts on love and happiness, sunshine and

warm rain. And sometimes, sometimes, I set down my clicky-pen, closed my moleskine and just loved my own life.

But what, I always ask then, is the good of basking in real life, if you never capture it with

pen and paper? And then I pick up my old, worn composition book and find some place cozy from which to

paint the view in the window of my words.

Car talk

01 February 2010

...And though dogs rush to bury their owner's radios in the backyard when they hear it: this [could have been] National Public Radio.

Click: Hello, you're on Car Talk!
Me: Ahh- yeah, hey, I just want to say I love your show, guys-- I've been listening since I was three,
Clack: Ah, I see they're startin' to brain wash 'em early these days!
Click: What can we do for ya?
Me: Well, my family has this van--
Click: Ah! the family van!
Clack: Do you remember driving around our old woody?
Click: Remember?! I still have nightmares about that old jallopy-- hunkachah, hunkachah, hunkachah!
Me: Yeah, that's the problem.
Click: You have nightmares about the family van?
Me: No the Hunkachahs-- our van makes this horrible racket like we've got the whole scrap yard INSIDE our van.
Clack: As opposed to the whole scrap yard that IS your van?
Me: Exactly.
Click: Now, what sort of van are we talking about-- have you got one a' those suped-up Asto Vans on hydraulics?
Clack: Are you kidding me? She's been listening to NPR since the cradle! I bet she drives a Volvo.
Me: A Dodge Ram, actually, and I'm not sure what year, '95, '96? but it's older then half the kids. And it's a 12-passenger.
Click: You COULD have the whole scrap yard inside! [chuckles]
Clack: You MIGHT! Ever thought about poking around back there to see? [cracks up]
Click: No but seriously [calming himself a little], what sort of trouble is it having?
Me: Well, besides the creaking and clanking of all the loose nuts and bolts, and the hideous paint that is slowly giving way to rust, it sounds like a time bomb to drive it. When you accelerate it sort of sounds like, well first it sounds like an airplane taking off--
Click: Ah, the typical 747 Syndrome,
Me: --and then, you know when you tape a business card to the fork of your bike so it makes that flip, flip, flip, flip against the spokes? That's what it sounds like when you really give it gas.
Click: Let me get this strait- you drive your kids around in an enormous scrap heap that sounds like a 747 with business cards in its spokes?
Clack: That's a lot of business cards. [chuckles]
Me: Yeah, except they're not my kids-- I'm the kid
Clack: And your parents are making you do the car repairs?
Me: Repairs? This van is beyond repair! I need your help convincing my parents to get rid of the thing!
Click: Mutiny! [chuckling again]
Clack: Well for starters, call the local scrap heap and found out how much they'll take for a ton and a half of scrap metal!
Click: You're going to assist this uprising?
Clack: Of course! It's the family van! Kid, you should sell it on e-bay! [chuckling harder]
Click: Hah Hah! Yeah, call it a vintage collectible!
Clack: Or tape cardboard wings to it and see if the Smithsonian wants it! [snorts]
Click: Or tape cardboard wings to it and sell it on e-bay! [cracks up]
Me: I don't know if my mom will go for the fake airplane on e-bay plan.
Click: I know! Shuttle the whole soccer team back and forth until you track enough mud in to make a giant planter! Get some flowers growing in there or somethin' and park it on your front lawn! You could get those crawling vines to grow out the windows! [cracks up again]
Clack: And all the rusted through parts will be great for aeration!
Click: Kid, what you've got to do is sit your parents down and just tell it like it is.
Clack: [chuckling] Yeah! 'Mom, Dad, our car sounds like a 747-business-card machine.'
Click: Honesty is always the best policy.
Clack: Let us know how it goes!
Click: Yeah, and I'll be keeping my eyes open for that airplane on e-bay! [chuckling]
Me: Uh, yeah. Thanks guys.
Click: Ah, Poor kid!
Clack: Yeah, honesty is the best policy, except for that one time when you...

Ride UTA

27 January 2010

Tuesday was lovely. A deep fog curbed the icy crisp of gray snow that had been melting and freezing and melting and freezing for a week now. Daddy dropped me off on his way to the office, 5 blocks west of my regular bus stop. An older woman stood by the wet, grimy bench in gloves and a few scarves, her cargo pants tucked into short snow boots. I 'goodmorning'ed and she smiled quietly back.

'Pretty amazing this fog, huh?' I prodded her silence.

'Yes,' she nodded.

She looked the part of a quiet grandmother: gray hair and thick glasses that ought, in such a case, to be respectfully called 'spectacles.'

We waited and even our silence was muffled by the still, white fog that swallowed the world all around us.

Two canvas bags hung from her arm, and 'Teaching English to Spanish Speakers' was tucked haphazardly into the bag decorated with puff-paint daisies and a singing sun.

'Oh, do you teach Spanish?'

Stupid question, I know, but I have found the obvious questions to be poor conversation starters.

'No,' she smiled again, 'I teach English to Spanish-speaking parents of local students.'

I smiled, encouragingly.

'It's actually an amazing program, started by the Ford company...'

Now it was my turn to be quiet.

To a boy

16 January 2010

You sat across from me in the LRC once. The headphones pressed against your ears barely muffled the heavy beat of music pumping from your i-pod. The tapping of your pencil against that desk's edge was nearly lost in the clicking typing of so many concentrating students.

But then, for perhaps one can only contain so much music, suddenly your lips parted and out came loud and clear a few bars- unaccompanied and unrehearsed, a concert for the 4th floor. Did you know just how much you wanted to sing along?

I laughed then, at first quietly in my head, and later louder to my friends, but now I'm waiting at my bus stop, singing along with the Rob Thomas that no one can hear but me.

I understand now. Sometimes you just can't keep it all inside.

Flurries

09 December 2009

The first snow of the year teased us from the mountains all morning. I checked the weather in my usual way-- hand against my window, testing the glass's temperature. It felt like a glove and scarf day, and a purple sweater day, a toast for breakfast and hot chocolate day.

It didn't stick, that first snow, and it would be several weeks before a real blanket of white would clothe the grey trees and muddy the roads. But this first dusting was just enough for a snow angel in the front yard.

And that's what snow is really for anyway, right?

Inspiration: stream of conciousness

02 December 2009

Sometimes, when my listlessness has oozed into the very tips of my fingers and begins to itch just beside my nose, I like to click through my favorite blog: Design*Sponge. She is everything I want to be someday, a thrifty, clever and no doubt beautiful San Franciscan who fills her charming apartment with decoupage, home decor, and crafts for my kids.

She lives in Pottery Barn Land, where all the rooms are bright and cheery, the table cloths are always pressed, the kitchen is continuously spotless and all the children are above average. Sometimes I pretend I live there: I have such plans for that exciting day when I am making my own life in my own home with my own things, I usually think about this as I wash and dry and sort the dishes in my dim little apartment kitchen.

Sometimes I forget that now will always be Now and my Someday will never start if I always expect it to start Tomorrow.

Martin Luther said, "This life therefore is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness; not health, but healing; not being, but becoming; not rest, but exercise; We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it. The process is not yet finished, but it is going on. This is not the end, but it is the road. All does not yet gleam in glory, but all is being purified."

Which is why I made a Star Chart to hang in my room: to count the ways that I can grown and to measure the things I am learning.

I think I will decoupage a frame for it.

The girl in 261

13 November 2009

I sat next to an artist today. Late for class, I slipped in the back and into an empty seat. Dr. I. was explaining the implications of Apple’s new (imaginary) invisible i-phone on the current markets as I pulled out my notebook. The girl next to me was already scribbling away in hers—in long broad strokes of pen on heavy paper. I watched, enthralled, as the lines bent and converged into a girl in a trendy polka-dot dress, coat thrown over her arm, hair flouncing as she walked.

Inside, I longed to make my pencil strokes come alive like these. In fascination I watched her fill the page spread with doodles of dancing models in chiffon dresses, silk pants suits, taffeta party dresses.

I was sad when she closed her sketch book and tucked it into her pink backpack. She was unassuming, even plain, and no one would particularly notice her walking across campus. But I knew there were dancing pictures hidden in her grubby bag, and in her stubby fingers, nails cut down to the quick, there was real magic.

1st grade

12 November 2009

Ms. Ord walked around the room checking her student's work,

"You guys are such good sentence writers. When you get to high school, your teachers will be so proud of all your good sentences!"

"I don't want to go to high school." someone piped up.

Apparently, there were very strong feelings on this subject as everyone had something to say,

"I don't want to go to high school either!"

"I don't want to leave Ms. Ord's class!"

"I want to get baptized!"

"My cousin never left kindergarten!"

Ah, to be in 1st grade again. Those kids are in for a treat-- it only gets better from there!

Wild west: part ii

29 October 2009

On Friday, Laura called me,

"Hey, do you want to hike Havasupai next weekend?"

I've been working on being spontaneous, so I said, "Yeah, for sure!"

I didn't say what I was thinking which was, "Where's Havasupai?"

It is, in fact, at the bottom of the Grand Canyon: a 10 hour drive and a 10 mile hike. I borrowed from my adventurous friends a backpacking frame, sleeping bag, headlamp, chacos, fleece jacket, water bottles. The next Thursday afternoon, I packed Grammy's (practically vintage) orange pack with top ramen, cliff bars, pringles and my gear, strapped on my sleeping bag and met the other seven who were already packing their bags into the back of an SUV, like a giant game of tetris.

We took 4 days: two of driving, two halves of hiking and one glorious day playing and exploring in the beautiful waterfalls of the canyon.



Road trips are a creature unto themselves. We were quite cozy in that little white car, but we knew from the start we'd be best friends by the end, so we dispensed with formalities and sprawled across each others laps, feet up on the seats, and passed around the pretzels.



The hike itself was beautiful. The canyon, like God's enormous lego set, was stacked rocks to the sky. We stopped, frequently, to snap picture and climb the rocks and walls- more than once I wished I had brought a climbing harness.



And then, we heard the water. It was getting late in the afternoon when we saw the first streamlet, but we knew that just around the river bend... and someone started singing Pocahontas. We hiked up over a bluff and saw the new falls where Navajo falls had been washed out in the last flood.

I have never seen water so beautiful or so blue-green. It looked like an advertisement for Cancun, not some obscure river in the middle of the desert.



We camped that night after a quick swim in the twilight shadows of Havasu Falls. We boiled the fresh water that ran so perfectly blue and clear, and made spaghetti for dinner. We sat up late talking and enjoying our newly made friendships, then unrolled our sleeping bags and slept under the stars.

The next morning, after pancakes, oatmeal, hot chocolate and trail mix, we hiked on to the next falls. The day was warm-- nearly 80°, with just enough wind to keep us cool as we hiked in the sun.

Moony falls drop a spectacular 200 feet, so we inflated the plastic dolphin James brought and sent it down the river and over the edge. It shot down the falls and then bobbed up in the artificial pool beneath Moony to the applause of all the onlookers. We climbed up the rock face and jumped into the cool water- swimming around we shivered and laughed and no one remembered that it was cold and rainy back home.



But it was beginning to get late. We knew the hike out would take several hours, so we began our trek back out of the Grand Canyon.

About half way out, the canyon opens wide to a rocky meadow, and there we stopped to pass around the fruit snacks and gatorade. It was dark by now, and we all sat back on our packs, turned off our lights and watched the wide sky fill with stars as our eyes adjusted to the black. We lay there for some time, chatting and wishing on shooting stars. Sitting there, resting my tired feet, I wanted to soak in this land, this beautiful red rock and sage brush. And then I realized that this western beauty had finally become my home. And I loved it.

Wild west: part i

27 October 2009

I remember crying when the moving van pulled away from our Midwest house and turned onto the westbound freeway. In the rear view window, the dark green forest framed the yard that had been my playground for so long. We were leaving this verdant paradise for the desert, for a tiny old rental home perched on the edge of a hill of dead grass and snow. I hated Utah. The brown and gray of desert landscape: rocks and dead trees, tall, dark buildings that reach to the perpetual smog of the Salt Lake winter.
I cried because there was no green, and I was sure nothing would be beautiful again.

Lunch date

22 October 2009

I invited myself over for lunch because I had to return Grams' camping things, and because I had missed cousin dinner, and because I love lunch dates.

In college I eat out of tupperware, generally, and sometimes strait out of the can. Grams severs milk out of a glass pitcher, and she had set the little deal table with beautiful green place settings and silverware that matched.

I offered to bring a bell pepper- the only fresh food I could find. Grams chopped it up and served it with her homemade bean and ham soup, homemade bread, homecanned bread-and-butter pickles from the neighbors, grapes from her back yard and cookies one of the grandkids had brought by.

And she wouldn't even let me do my dishes afterward, but insisted rather than I come outside to enjoy the beautiful sunshine and her freshly planted daisies.

I can't wait to be grownup like Grams.

I love

14 October 2009

Courtney was sitting on that ugly, worn couch in the living room, and I stood in the kitchen doorway. I'm not sure why, but she called out this first line, and I, like some beatnik lounging in a smokey club, picked up the cadence and added my own stanza. Call and return, we yelled to the ceiling, to the clouds, to the world.

It was therapy, and poetry, and lovely.


I love
by Courtney Bullard
and Me

Rain on me every day
and I will still love you.

Open your gloomy clouds
and let down your sorry sodden paint
and I will still love you.

Downpour on me and I will stand beneath
with arms open wide,
and I will call out:

Pour down on me!

Rain, rain, rain!
and I will still love you.

Simple joys

01 October 2009

1. I get sick with the flu every year around Christmas time so I am now classically conditioned to get the same excitement and anticipation from a fever and chills and that slimy youreabouttothrowup feeling as I get from the smell of gingerbread and Christmas candy (think Pavlov's dogs crossed with the King Singer's Christmas Album). I am always a happy feverish kid.

2. On a different note: I love the radio scan function because I never like what's playing on the radio, but I don't like driving in silence, so instead of listening to every lame song for 5 seconds and then changing the station, the radio does it automatically for me.

3. On the same note: At 5:00 pm, every 3rd station in Utah valley is playing Taylor Swift.

100

Read me, a treasure map. See me, my language which draws in the style of Monet: impressions of my mind in brush strokes of type. Count me, my words which add to multiply: the some-thing of all is the greater part. From your crow's nest look over, in and under--standing, look out through your telescope of reading glasses. Measure and triangulate the latitude of my thoughts; take a sounding of my paragraphs for the sandy bottom. Find me, what's buried at the center: X marks the spot. Read me, lost thoughts sketched on velum, floating in an old bottle.

Rise all loyal cougars

28 September 2009

Melanie and I bonded over pizza and cougar football. Whitehouse were all at the stadium, but they had a TV that worked, and a big living room where Melanie could pace back and forth and jump up and down while yelling advice at the football players on screen. There was free picnic food across the street, but we wanted pizza-- enough to pull out the yellow pages and find the closest 5 buck pizza. Turns out they don't deliver for orders under $7, so we ordered two pizzas, for the two of us, and paid the extra 2 bucks to sit in front of the TV and have our food brought to us.

I wish I had a picture of the two of us: Indian-style on the couch, each with our own pizza boxes in our laps, stuffing our faces and trying not to spit as we yelled at the TV, "Defense! Defense! Defense!"

We won, by the way. 42-23

The morning cometh

12 September 2009

Today rose early, as I slept-- before my deep night's slumber had even thinned to a twilight torpor.

His entourage marched solemnly ahead in long royal robes of velvet shadows.
The canyon winds, who had held their breath so reverently in the midnight anticipation,
began, quietly at first, to whisper amongst themselves--
and then applauding through the aspens, they welcomed the first glow.
For trumpeters, the birdsong cried his coming!

Fresh faced, he glowed with the pale pink, sun-kissed promise of a summer day.
Over the cusp of the road to the east, he peered, then stepped, and then danced
into the receding night.

There were those waiting that saw him,
that leaned out of windows thrown wide,
that felt his new glow on their expectant faces,
That saw Today come.

But I slept, my shades drawn, dreaming about a fishing boat that doubled as a circus clown--
a meaningless phantom that sailed always away into my dim unconscious.

An unexpected complement

10 September 2009

"You know what you are?" he said, "You're a Wendy-bird, and we are your lost boys."

I smiled. He is not generally one for giving complements especially in front of his posse of friends, so I struggled to understand the smack in his words. But it was lost on me-- I liked the way that sounded: me, their Wendy-bird.

I feared my smile, or my loss for words would give away my delight as such a complement. I flippantly changed the subject, but kept the smile, savoring that moment sitting amongst my lost boys.

 
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